Dear Isaiah

To a little boy who shares my last name,

I didn’t cry when you came into this world. Or when you were in your Mommy’s tummy. I’m used to not crying, but you’re my first nephew, now a part of my family, so shouldn’t that mean something? I didn’t feel anything for you. And for a while, I thought that was okay.

I smiled for the cameras, showed my friends all the pretty photos. In front of the crowds, I would transform into the proudest aunt. But one by one, the others would leave, and when it was just me and you, I didn’t see a point to all my oohing and aahing anymore.

I couldn’t see you the way others did—innocent, fresh, pure. I only saw you through the eyes of my mom, your grandma, who hasn’t even seen you yet because you’re the child of a son she refuses to forgive and a daughter-in-law she refuses to accept. When your Daddy asked if I wanted to hold you, I waved him off with a dismissive “No thanks” and took two steps back—keeping at least an arms-length between us—close enough to observe, far enough to not care.

Every time I heard your name, something tightened in my throat. I remember that you get to have my last name without all the conflict that I was born into. That tightness in my throat deepens into the pit of my stomach, churning up the years of arguments, back and forths, discord, “he said, she said.”

Then something happened last week when you came over to visit Grandpa and Great-Grandma. I bent down, got on all fours and looked you in the eyes. You smiled at me. I raised my hand, gave you a high-five and your pudgy fingers rested on my palm. You giggled with me. And right before you left, I picked you up and cradled you in my arms. The warmth of your body gave my heart the permission to start beating again. I hadn’t held you in my arms since you were born. Maybe because I knew I would fall in love and that that would mean having to let go of my jealousy and bitterness.

Finally. It took a while, but “Little Isaiah” as Grandpa always calls you, I’m falling in love with you. Your Aunt Esther has fallen in love with you.

Sincerely, Esther