Happy Birthday, Esther

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.

Serenity Prayer By Reinhold Niebuhr

To your 24-year-old self,

This time last year, you…

  1. blew out the candles,
    wished yourself a happy birthday,
    hopeful for the things to come.
  2. wanted the world to know,
    every single detail from jump to wheelchair,
    fearless.
  3. looked for anyone to listen,
    truly listen to all you had to say,
    ready.
  4. were haunted day and night,
    by memories of that fateful day,
    imprisoned.
  5. scrolled through your phone,
    stopping at the selfies taken moments before the attempt,
    disturbed.
  6. drove by the place where it happened,
    unable to look directly at the lot,
    anxious.
  7. tried to make sense of it all,
    persistently asking “Why”,
    relentless.
  8. doubted the goodness of God,
    tearful upon hearing the lyrics “Oh your mercy never fails me”,
    betrayed.
  9. prayed,
    begging for the darkness of the past to be lifted,
    troubled.
  10. lived as a walking miracle,
    wowing people with your recovery,
    healing.
  11. clung to your family like a lifeline,
    simultaneously rejecting their support,
    lost.
  12. searched for the perfect best friend,
    dismissing the ones you already had,
    alone.
  13. identified the root of your illness,
    it didn’t come with a cure,
    forlorn.
  14. became the victim of a mental war,
    waged between reality and delusion,
    sick.
  15. popped the pills,
    300, 200, 450 milligrams,
    defeated.
  16. avoided matters of the heart,
    shunning your emotions,
    numb.
  17. laid your head to sleep,
    waiting seconds, minutes, hours,
    frustrated.
  18. took your grandmother out to eat,
    smiling as she slurped the noodles,
    thankful.
  19. dialed your father’s work number,
    pranking him with your voice,
    joyful.
  20. bowed before your mother,
    in submission and respect,
    humbled.
  21. gave your soul a chance to rest,
    surrendering schedules and plans,
    relieved.
  22. cared for a young girl and boy,
    rushing to parks and ice cream trucks once homework was finished,
    renewed.
  23. attended a wedding,
    and marveled at the coming of the bride,
    amazed.
  24. Today,
    you celebrate the passing of another year,
    one step further from those months in hell,
    one step closer to your days in heaven,
    resurrected and redeemed.

Love, Esther