Happy Birthday, Esther

God, grant me the serenity
Serenity Prayer By Reinhold Niebuhr
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.
To your 24-year-old self,
This time last year, you…
- blew out the candles,
wished yourself a happy birthday,
hopeful for the things to come. - wanted the world to know,
every single detail from jump to wheelchair,
fearless. - looked for anyone to listen,
truly listen to all you had to say,
ready. - were haunted day and night,
by memories of that fateful day,
imprisoned. - scrolled through your phone,
stopping at the selfies taken moments before the attempt,
disturbed. - drove by the place where it happened,
unable to look directly at the lot,
anxious. - tried to make sense of it all,
persistently asking “Why”,
relentless. - doubted the goodness of God,
tearful upon hearing the lyrics “Oh your mercy never fails me”,
betrayed. - prayed,
begging for the darkness of the past to be lifted,
troubled. - lived as a walking miracle,
wowing people with your recovery,
healing. - clung to your family like a lifeline,
simultaneously rejecting their support,
lost. - searched for the perfect best friend,
dismissing the ones you already had,
alone. - identified the root of your illness,
it didn’t come with a cure,
forlorn. - became the victim of a mental war,
waged between reality and delusion,
sick. - popped the pills,
300, 200, 450 milligrams,
defeated. - avoided matters of the heart,
shunning your emotions,
numb. - laid your head to sleep,
waiting seconds, minutes, hours,
frustrated. - took your grandmother out to eat,
smiling as she slurped the noodles,
thankful. - dialed your father’s work number,
pranking him with your voice,
joyful. - bowed before your mother,
in submission and respect,
humbled. - gave your soul a chance to rest,
surrendering schedules and plans,
relieved. - cared for a young girl and boy,
rushing to parks and ice cream trucks once homework was finished,
renewed. - attended a wedding,
and marveled at the coming of the bride,
amazed. - Today,
you celebrate the passing of another year,
one step further from those months in hell,
one step closer to your days in heaven,
resurrected and redeemed.
Love, Esther