Happy Birthday, Josh
I didn’t mean to hurt you when I hurt myself
Lyrics from “Take You Down” By Illenium
It’s just an empty voice screaming out for help
No, I didn’t mean to scare you
But I couldn’t see
That when I went to hell I was taking you with me
To a boy in the throes of becoming a man,
Many things about myself become crystal clear when I look at you. How I consent to the status quo while you shake things up with your cocktail of chaos. How I choose to blend in with the colors around me while you seek out the shades that serve you just right. I’m saying the words: “Sure”, “Yes”, and “Okay”. You’re asking the questions: “How about this…?”, “Why not that…?”, “Can we try…?”. There’s always more on your mind. More choices. More ideas. More frontiers waiting to be explored.
Yet in the face of our differences, there’s one thing I know we both share: that pressing need to prove our worth to the world. And that need has consumed the both of us. My salvation from it came in the form of a younger brother. The youngest of the family. A boy who’s grown into a man burdened with a responsibility towards his older sister. Even with all the demons tormenting your life, you somehow find a way to fight my battles for me.
And I try to be that sister you need. Attempting to mask the religiosity in my tone (often in vain). Casually throwing in a curse word (to sound just a bit more relevant). Confiding in you about the depths of my insanity (all the ins and outs of it).
The voices in my head keep saying: “Josh will get it. Talk to him. He’ll know what to say.” Maybe you do get it. Maybe you do listen. Maybe you do know what to say. And maybe you don’t—revealing a possibility that shatters the idol I’ve built out of you. Josh, you don’t have to get it. You don’t have to listen. You don’t have to know what to say. This year, for your birthday, I want to gift you with the chance to find and enjoy the freedom there is in being the youngest.
Love, Esther
