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Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away.
So he said to his mother, “I am running away.”
“If you run away,” said his mother, “I will run after you.
For you are my little bunny.”“If you run after me,” said the little bunny,
“I will become a fish in a trout stream
and I will swim away from you.”“If you become a fish in a trout stream,” said the mother.
“I will become a fisherman and I will fish for you.”“If you become a fisherman,” said the little bunny,
“I will become a rock on the mountain, high above you.”“If you become a rock on the mountain high above me,”
said his mother, “I will be a mountain climber,
and I will climb to where you are.”“If you become a mountain climber,”
said the little bunny,
“I will be a crocus in a hidden garden.”“If you become a crocus in a hidden garden,”
said his mother, “I will be a gardener. And I will find you.”“If you are a gardener and find me,” said the little bunny,
“I will be a bird and fly away from you.”“If you become a bird and fly away from me,”
said his mother, “I will be a tree that you come home to.”“If you become a tree,” said the little bunny,
“I will become a little sailboat,
and I will sail away from you.”“If you become a sailboat and sail away from me,”
said his mother, “I will become the wind
and blow you where I want you to go.”“If you become the wind and and blow me,” said the little bunny,
“I will join a circus and fly away on a flying trapeze.”“If you go flying on a flying trapeze,” said the mother,
“I will be a tightrope walker,
and I will walk across the air to you.”“If you become a tightrope walker and walk across the air,”
said the bunny, “I will become a little boy
and run into a house.”“If you become a little boy and run into a house,”
said the mother bunny, “I will become your mother
and catch you in my arms and hug you.”“Shucks,” said the bunny, “I might as well
stay where I am and be your little bunny.”And so he did.
The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Edson
“Have a carrot,” said the mother bunny.
I don’t think she ever left. Mom. I never lost her. I think she had to go away for a while and find a place where she could rest because it was getting too loud. She needed time to be alone. She had to give up being a mom, a wife, even a daughter because she needed time to reclaim who she was before the marriage, the pregnancy, the family.
I think she’s been telling me this all along but I never listened because I wanted a mom. I really wanted a mom. Like everyone else. And a family. One mom, one dad, three kids, together. There was a specific photo I wanted to be taken at church picnics and someone was always missing. She was supposed to be there and I cursed her for her absence. My ideal an idol. One that looked like my best friend’s mom, my pastor’s wife, my sister-in-law, my aunt, my grandma. No one I could call my mom.
I only saw her on weekends and that was never enough time. There were years that went by without us talking. I still had a mom, yes. She still had a daughter, yes. We knew about each other, yes.
In 2018, God made it so that we could find each other in a hospital room. Where it all started. She was the first person by my bed in the mornings and the one I couldn’t wait to see again tomorrow.
“Esther?” A knock.
“Mommy?” And the door was opened.
She’s not my best friend’s mom, not my pastor’s wife, not my sister-in-law, not my aunt, not my grandma. She’s my mom and she’s so much more. I never looked at her for who she was. And when I was little, that wasn’t expected of me. But now that I’m big, I can.
She is who she is. And she needed some time for herself. To me, a selfish pursuit because inevitably, it meant time away from me. Time was lost and there’s nothing I can change about that. I can mourn it and I can ponder it, but it’s best not to dwell. Because that’ll take away from time right now. And I don’t want to lose another minute. I want to enjoy right now.
Sincerely, Esther