Laugh Out Loud

To her daughter,

When my brothers and I were younger, we would take turns making Mom laugh. Back then, it came down to fart sounds, nose picking, and slimy saliva. When I got a little older, I started noticing that making fun of Dad and all his flaws would have her howling. I knew I struck gold when I saw her wipe the tears coming out of her eyes. Her voice, a pitch higher, as if she were singing out her ha-ha-ha. In those moments, she looked so pretty. I wanted to make her happy so bad. Every chance I could. I was jealous of the way Josh did things. He and Mom are what they call kindred spirits.

My high school track team named me “Most Funny” during one of our get-togethers. I thought about the jokes I cracked during our 6am van rides and 11pm track meets. In college, I’d always be the one ready to jump in with the dumb comment to break up the awkwardness. It doesn’t take much for me to make others laugh. I say something. People smile, throw in a grin, a chuckle. All is well.

But with my mom, it’s work. I have to think twice, then a third time, then a fourth. My thoughts don’t leave my mouth unedited. So if I’m not living in fear of her next outburst, I’m trying to come up with something that will at worst, make her smile and at best, get her to double over in laughter.

When Mom laughs, I think the people around her let out a sigh of relief. Because it means that for now, things won’t get ugly. She won’t kick me out. I can still be her daughter. When Mom gets mad, I think the people around her forget to breathe. I always had something to say in front of my track team, my college roommates. Something funny. Something good. With Mom, I need to wait. For her anger to simmer down. For my courage to build back up.

After a few days of silence and tension, I open my mouth. And Mom smiles, throws in a grin, a chuckle. All is well. There’s a part of me that wants her to say “I’m sorry” for all the chaos and terror she’s caused but when I hear her laugh, that’s enough for me to feel wanted again. The best feeling in the world. Josh has already gotten Mom’s Most Funny award but maybe one day, she’ll give me 2nd place.

Sincerely, Esther