Rising Up
To the one who’s beginning to see new beginnings,
Just a few days ago, you startled yourself with the recollection of that memory from 2017. You standing there in the first floor of Zara, feeling stranded and terrified, panicking with uncertainty. The clothes, the styles, the colors, the fabrics—you were overwhelmed by all the choices. You saw your friend sauntering to the cash register, arm full of sweaters, confident with her purchase. As you left the store, you nervously asked her in a small and timid voice, “How did you know what to buy?”—a question you found so stupid and infantile upon hearing it leave your mouth. A lot of your depression was spent asking anyone who would listen: “How did you know what… when… why…?” It was impossible for your muddled mind to form a coherent statement so you resorted to coming up with questions. And you tried really hard to listen to people’s answers which made you hate yourself even more when you forgot what they said.
Feeling like you didn’t know yourself was painful. Always questioning the integrity of your thoughts. Constantly doubting the validity of your emotions. Like your mind had been forced to cede control to a foreign being whose one and only mission was to clutter and confound.
But today while you were on your morning walk (it was a brand new day brimming with possibilities), listening to the Invisibilia podcast (the host used the word “triumph”), and then Demi Lovato’s “Skyscraper” (Go on and try to tear me down / I will be rising from the ground), you began to notice things shift. All those elements blended together opened your eyes to a new reality: you’re not standing there in the first floor of Zara anymore. You’re no longer scared of your every thought. You can make decisions. You’re in control of your mind. A reality so magical that it transformed the very way you saw your reflection.
So you’re embracing that word “triumph” and you’re holding onto those lyrics because now more than ever, they fit right into your story. Throw in some Andra Day while you’re at it.
I’ll rise up
Lyrics from “Rise Up” by Andra Day
In spite of the ache
I’ll rise up
And I’ll do it a thousands times again.
Sincerely, Esther
