The Highs

“What do you want people to understand about mania?“

Step 1
Maya Angelou
Van Gogh
Virginia Woolf
Kanye West
Eminem
The Victims; The Fighters; The Greats

Step 2
Lithium, 900
Seroquel, 500
Cymbalta 750
The Meds; The Pills; The Routine

Step 3
It’s not about
what’s right or what’s wrong
what’s good or what’s bad.
If you wanna help me deal with what’s here,
then get that 1-2 step that society teaches you to waltz to out of your damn head.

Don’t lend me your ears. Give them to me. Because
I want you to hear me shout “NO” to following the rules that they gave me.
I want you to let me go because I’m gonna be gone anyway
and then
I want you to pull me back with all the force and conviction that love demands.

I want to be loved.
Me, you, this.
But I know that love hurts.
Except there’s nothing they can prescribe for that kind of pain.
And I know what pain is.
I jumped.
But that was my body.
Can you promise you won’t do the same to my heart?

I want you to want me.
Do you want me?
Do I want me?
Is it supposed to be this hard?
Feeling things?
Give me an answer, something to hold on to so
I won’t have to keep running away
again and again.

Okay now wait. Just wait right there. I’m coming back. I’ll be back!
Are you waiting… 1, 2, 3….
Oh you waited for me!

Now come over here and help me fill my pill box with the 450, the 300, the 200.
The white one with the line down the middle.
The yellow one with the sharp edges.
The white one without the line down the middle.
Um do you mind helping me do this every night
I have a phone that buzzes with a reminder, you see,
but I want a person to hold my hand
and lay by my side until I fall asleep because at night
Lucifer comes out to find me.
He whispers sweet nothings in my ear.
And nothing, he concludes, is what I’ll amount to.
Honey laced with poison dripping from his lips
God?
Is that you?
Are you supposed to look like that?

Oh look you’ve made it through Step 3
Congratulations!

Now I want you to meet me halfway between Step 3 and really getting it
because that’s where you’ll realize that it’s not about understanding mania.
It’s about understanding me. Me. The person who led you from Steps 1 thru 3.
The person who can…
Wait…what? What was that?
Oh you wanted to ask me something. Yes, what is it?
How am I doing?
Well as you can see…
I am a girl
who’s been asking the world to answer the questions
She’s been struggling to ask herself
and
I.. I.. I.. I’m someone who really needs your help.

Sincerely, Esther