To the girl hiding from her emotions,

You’re hurting. More than you want to admit. More than you’re able to express. As you articulated your experience with mania, depression, suicidal attempts in front of that group of semi-strangers, someone started to cry. Seeing her tears made you feel uncomfortable. You thought that your words, carefully chosen and spoken, could prepare you for her watery eyes, his head bowed forward, her nervous bite of the lip. Was it sorrow? Anguish? Empathy? What you say with your mouth is one thing. Words, powerful as they are, can’t capture it all. You were seeing your hidden pain in the faces of others before you could see it in your own. All this time, you thought healing and recovery just meant creating some kind of statement or testimony for others. Putting together words that could make sense of your experience. For others. Maybe it’s time to take a break from that. What you went through, what you’re going through, doesn’t need to make sense or be presented right now. Allow yourself to feel. Frustration. Anger. Disappointment. And there’s more. Waiting to be explored.

Sincerely, Esther