Where Did Mommy Go?
To the girl who’s been looking for her mommy,
Mom. Mother. Mommy. It was all the same to you. You just wanted one to call your own. This had become a point of contention between you and Dad one afternoon. He was trying his best to remind you that you already have a mother. You were bitterly pointing out that she wasn’t the mother you wanted. You’ve since learned that wants and needs can change with time, morphing with you as you grow, and eventually overlapping in the most unexpected of ways.
She used to tuck you in at night. No, wait. Phrasing it like that would suggest some sort of bedtime ritual and nothing could be further from the truth. It was just that one time you remember. She didn’t make any promises as she wrapped the blanket around you, so you fell asleep unsure as to whether or not she’d be here or there when you woke up. Here being the house where you would spend your weekdays—Dad’s House. There being the house where you would spend your weekends—Mom’s House.
Growing up a girl in Dad’s House was unfairly awkward. A father and two brothers could only do so much in showing a young girl the ways of womanhood. Grandma tried her best to fill in but there was always something missing. You ended up spending your weekdays at Dad’s building expectations for what you wanted out of your weekends at Mom’s.
Back then, you wanted a mom who could…
- redefine your standard of beauty during the angsty years of puberty
- teach you the difference between being a) just right and b) too right
- offer an opinion, whether it’d be heeded or not, about this dress vs. that one
It’s not that your mom couldn’t meet those expectations. She just wasn’t there when you needed them to be met. But over the years, you came to realize that the things you once wanted were no longer the things you now needed.
These days, you’re reconciling with a mom who can…
- remind you that just because it’s different, doesn’t mean it can’t be good
- balance out your idealistic nature with her pragmatic perspective
- challenge you to think, speak, and act with a deeper sense of mercy and grace
What you both wanted and needed was time. She needed time to heal from a marriage you selfishly judged her for despite knowing so little about. You needed time to let go of the expectations you’d been dreaming up since 5 years old. Mom. Mother. Mommy. It’s all the same to you. You have one—the one you wanted, the one you need, the one who’s yours.
Sincerely, Esther
